i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
