that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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