You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
my nose is crying tears of wow.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
