I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
