the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
