that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
and i looked up. we had an audience...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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