What did we do last night that was yellow?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
