We named our party play list daddy issues
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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