Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
