he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
