Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
