She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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