theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
