She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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