the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
