Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
