I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
