he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
