At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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