White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
