The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We need a shit load of segways right now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
