Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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