he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
