just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
