I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
