the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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