she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
