my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
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