Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
