u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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