textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
