Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
