Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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