That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
