I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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