Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
