I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
