I just made out with a guy for $7.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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