for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
