my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
