At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
