I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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