The maid of honor just puked.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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