he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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