So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
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We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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