I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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