Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
