Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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