i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I think my moral compass just broke
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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