threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
