Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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