its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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