oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
