I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
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What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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