WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
