My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
