Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
